"Do you want me to leave so you can sleep", I tightened my grip around Sarah's right hand. Her hands were always trembling slightly as if she was in a state of perpetual shock.
"Stay", she whispered, in a low voice that no one else would have been able to hear.
"Okay", I smiled, hoping she would open her eyes and see it. She barely opened her eyes these days. She was always in bed unless told otherwise. She ate only a few bites for each meal and drank less than a glass of water during the day. Sarah wasn't herself and seeing her like this only reminded me of how much our house had changed in the last decades.
When Sarah had gotten married to her ex-husband, Sarim, she had moved away to the US. But a few years later, Sarim had found a job in Karachi and moved. By that time I had met Haider and decided to marry him. My mother had loved him since the day she met him. She would sing his praises in his presence as well as in his absence. After he proposed, she was over the moon but I wasn't sure. He was exactly the kind of person I wanted to marry but that's also why it felt too good to be true. I hadn't even intended to get married until he proposed because my parents' relationship had taught me that marriages don't work and when they do, suffering in an integral component of them. When Sarah came back to Pakistan, I asked her for marriage advice and more specifically, advice on marrying Haider.
"He seems nice", she had said after he left our place that summer evening.
He had suggested that the three of us should go out for lunch so that he could meet my sister but it was too hot to get out of the house. Hence, we had invited him over, my mother had cooked her infamous tikka biryani and Sarah and Haider had chatted for the next three hours.
"I was expecting a more visceral reaction", I admitted. Considering that Sarah and Haider had gotten along so well during the lunch, I expected my sister to be head over heels for him just like my mother.
"Here's the thing, Maria", she moved closer to me, "You don't meet someone once and form and opinion about that. That's not a wise way to live life. I have only met him once so my opinion barely matters. Mama has met him a couple of times but only in a formal setting where he must have been trying to make a good impression so her opinions aren't reliable either. But you, you have worked with him for the last three years. You know him. If you think that this is the kind of person who deserves to be in your life forever, there's nothing that should stop you from marrying him"
I did not have a response then. If I had been that clear about the decision, I wouldn't have relied on Sarah for her advice. At that moment, I hated that she had completely freed herself from the responsibility of helping me make this important life decision but she had been right.
I had married him eventually and everything had turned out well. Looking at Sarah now, I can say everything had turned out fine for me. It was Sarah who had to suffer from an abusive marriage and spent five years of her life with someone who tried everything he could to make her leave him because he liked someone else but never had the guts to tell his family about it and married the girl they wanted him to.
"Maria", Sarah called out in a voice slightly louder than a whisper.
"Yes?", I moved closer.
"Sleep here", she still didn't open her eyes but rubbed her finger on my thumb, attempting to grab my wrist with her frail hand.
"Of course, let me get my phone", I said.
I grabbed my phone from my room to call Haider and inquire about his whereabouts.
"Where are you?", I asked.
"Almost there. I've got your dinner too", he replied, "How's Sarah?"
"She wants me to sleep with her tonight. Can you not ring the bell, please? Just open the door with the keys", I requested.
"Sure, don't worry", he said, "Don't sleep yet though"
Before I could say anything else, he had ended the call. I rushed back to Sarah's room. She was fast asleep by then but I still lied down next to her. She was a light sleeper. She would wake up again in a few minutes and I didn't want her to be alone in the room when she did.
"Maria", I heard someone call my name and realized I had fallen asleep.
"Here's your burrito", Haider handed me a bag and whispered, "Eat it before you sleep. You haven't eaten properly. I love you"
"Thank you", I said. I wanted to say "I love you too" but somehow, the words never came out of my mouth and after a few seconds of waiting, Haider returned to our room with a slightly disheartened reaction on his face.
This isn't right. I have read so many books containing advice on healthy relationships and yet, I never followed them. I wanted us to work but I wasn't putting in my side of the work. With those all-consuming thoughts about our marriage, I drifted off into sleep while my burrito lay there the entire night. Cold and untouched, that's how I found it the next morning.
Comments